After years of trying to get my husband to break up with me, MIL finally laid off a bit. She still got her jabs in, yes, but for her, she laid off. Until last month.
See, my husband is an architect. He is studying to get his license. This isn’t just a one-time studying deal. No, not even close. This is a 9 test saga. The average person takes 24 months to pass them all. And if you fail one, you must wait 6 months until you are eligible to take it again. My husband has been studying over a year for this. His studying means very little free time for him and for us. He comes home from work about 6:00 or 6:15, we do whatever we need to do, have dinner, and then he starts studying around 8:00. I obviously go to bed way before him. So, needless to say, he’s very burnt out. To make matters worse, his work situation has deteriorated rapidly. He is completely miserable. And he knows he cannot move up or go anywhere without his license, so he is just kind of stuck right now. Between his long days being unhappy at his job to the long nights studying and with little free time, my husband is having a rough time. Sure, it will pass, but it’s still rough right now. He struggles to keep a good attitude.
He had told me a few months ago that he felt like his life was on hold. And I understood that. I feel like that, too. His struggles are my struggles. However, when he told this to his mother, he got a totally different reaction.
First, she said she understood. She tried to explain that when she went back for her masters degree, she felt that way. She seemed genuine and understanding and even somewhat supportive, which is very unlike her. But it was all a facade. She called back later and left him a message. I listened to it. It went something like this: “Son, I thought about what you said and I know I agreed with you at the time, but I really don’t agree with you. I wasn’t miserable while I was in school. I lived my life and I was happy with my life. I hope you can get to the point where you can enjoy your life and be happy.” Total 180. My husband knew she had talked to her husband, they dissected the conversation in their oh-so-high-and-mighty counselor brains, and his step-dad told her she said the wrong thing, so she called to correct herself. To make matters worse, she called back the next day just to make sure her son got her message. This is where it got ugly.
She proceeded to tell him that he needed to divorce me. She could tell that he was unhappy and I was the cause. She had known it all along and had been telling him that for years. She told him that she made a mistake (with her first marriage) and his sister made a mistake (her first marriage ended in divorce, too) and so it was OK if he made a mistake. He could just correct it by getting a divorce and moving on with his life.
He was shocked. He really had himself convinced himself that they were over everything and had moved on from hating me. He was wrong. The only thing he could say to her was “Mom, my wife is the best thing in my life right now.” What do you say to your parent when they tell you to divorce your spouse for no reason? Who on earth would do that? Everyone knows that divorce is hard. Yes, sometimes it is the best for the individuals involved, but even if it is mutual it is still hard. And divorces can get ugly, too. My mother-in-law knows this. Hers was ugly. So why in the world would a parent who has been through that heart ache tell their child to go through the same things? Don’t parents want better for their children? Don’t parents want to protect their children from hurt? I absolutely cannot fathom why a mother would wish such pain on her child, especially when the child is happy. It is beyond my comprehension.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Counseling...
My husband and I have tried counseling a few different times. The first was before we ever got engaged. We were having problems with his parents that we could not resolve and I thought counseling would help us get to the point to where we could move on and get married. This was not a good idea.
The counselor was good enough. We liked him. He was fairly young, had 4 children, was willing to see us in the evenings. We were happy with him in the beginning. But as time went on, our sessions began to get worse. I have blocked out a lot of our sessions, but the final one. This counselor had been telling me repeatedly that since my husband’s parents didn’t like me, I must be the problem. I didn’t love my husband enough and I hadn’t done everything I could to make him happy. One night, I had enough. I told him I was tired of him telling me that because he knew that wasn’t true. That I had gone through hell and back to stay with this man and I would not stand for him to tell me otherwise. He reacted very angriliy and we began a shouting match while my husband sat in shock. We left that night and never went back. I just couldn’t do it. After that, I just couldn’t bear to see him again. He had made things worse, as far as I was concerned.
The second counselor was saw was one that my husband had been seeing individually for awhile. His specialty was supposedly in families and my husband was sure he could help us. He was good, too, and really smart. My only problem with him was that he really didn’t give us any feedback, he just let us talk. So most of our sessions turned into an hour that we could vent. We never really got anything out of them. I think this counselor was obviously a little partial to my husband because of the time he had spent with him on his own. He continually said that it was my job to make things better with the in-laws and that my husband should stay out of it. I disagreed. I had always read that in conflicts between the parents and the spouse, the blood child was supposed to iron things out. They know the parents better. But the child was also supposed to stand united with their spouse and my husband cannot do that. He has been so brainwashed into thinking that going against his mom is betrayal, he refuses to stand by me.
So, as far as counseling goes, we haven’t been in several months. About 6 to be exact. So far we have yet to find a counselor who can give us an unbiased opinion on the problems with my in-laws and help us work through them. Maybe one of these days we’ll get lucky.
The counselor was good enough. We liked him. He was fairly young, had 4 children, was willing to see us in the evenings. We were happy with him in the beginning. But as time went on, our sessions began to get worse. I have blocked out a lot of our sessions, but the final one. This counselor had been telling me repeatedly that since my husband’s parents didn’t like me, I must be the problem. I didn’t love my husband enough and I hadn’t done everything I could to make him happy. One night, I had enough. I told him I was tired of him telling me that because he knew that wasn’t true. That I had gone through hell and back to stay with this man and I would not stand for him to tell me otherwise. He reacted very angriliy and we began a shouting match while my husband sat in shock. We left that night and never went back. I just couldn’t do it. After that, I just couldn’t bear to see him again. He had made things worse, as far as I was concerned.
The second counselor was saw was one that my husband had been seeing individually for awhile. His specialty was supposedly in families and my husband was sure he could help us. He was good, too, and really smart. My only problem with him was that he really didn’t give us any feedback, he just let us talk. So most of our sessions turned into an hour that we could vent. We never really got anything out of them. I think this counselor was obviously a little partial to my husband because of the time he had spent with him on his own. He continually said that it was my job to make things better with the in-laws and that my husband should stay out of it. I disagreed. I had always read that in conflicts between the parents and the spouse, the blood child was supposed to iron things out. They know the parents better. But the child was also supposed to stand united with their spouse and my husband cannot do that. He has been so brainwashed into thinking that going against his mom is betrayal, he refuses to stand by me.
So, as far as counseling goes, we haven’t been in several months. About 6 to be exact. So far we have yet to find a counselor who can give us an unbiased opinion on the problems with my in-laws and help us work through them. Maybe one of these days we’ll get lucky.
They're going CRAZY!!!!
So the in-laws are officially going crazy. I’m serious. First, it was this book that tells you how to read water crystals. Then it was some kind of drops that rid your body of all the metal. And some other stuff in between. Now it’s this “machine.” This “machine” is a laptop with a special software loaded onto it. It cost them over $20k. The software reads the energy level in your house. Then, you get hooked up to all these wires similar to a polygraph. After 3 minutes of silence where everyone has to leave the room, this computer spits out everything that is wrong with you. From fungus to worms to biochemical warfare, this “machine” can find it all. And the best part is, it can find you anywhere in the WORLD! Anywhere. It just reads your “energy levels” and picks you up. Amazing!
Of course, the in-laws believe that once the government and the pharmaceutical industry discovers that this “machine” can heal people, they will be in trouble and the government will, in MIL’s words, “shut them down.” At that time, they plan to go to the country of Ecuador to continue their healing. Most recently, they have decided to start a church and incorporate it so that they can heal people under the rights of religious freedom.
Crazy, I tell you!
Of course, the in-laws believe that once the government and the pharmaceutical industry discovers that this “machine” can heal people, they will be in trouble and the government will, in MIL’s words, “shut them down.” At that time, they plan to go to the country of Ecuador to continue their healing. Most recently, they have decided to start a church and incorporate it so that they can heal people under the rights of religious freedom.
Crazy, I tell you!
Fighting...
You would think that after all of the fights my husband and I have had about his parents, we would have resolved some things. But that is not how it works. Almost all people are programmed to defend their family members. It comes so naturally. Blood is thicker than water, as the saying goes. We fight about this constantly. He’s always defending them. He does not stand up for me when they say negative things about me. He just brushes them off. And that allows them to continue saying those things.
I know this is probably one of those conflict that will never be resolved. Maybe it will at least die down after they pass away. But right here and now is what I struggle with. The fighting. The defending. The crying. It’s just tearing our marriage apart.
I know this is probably one of those conflict that will never be resolved. Maybe it will at least die down after they pass away. But right here and now is what I struggle with. The fighting. The defending. The crying. It’s just tearing our marriage apart.
The Wedding
As a bride, you are always excited about your wedding. And while I was excited, I was also dreading it. This was to be the first time where my parents, his mother and step-dad and also his father and step-mother were to all be in the same room at the same time. It was nerve-wracking! There was no way to anticipate how everyone would react. Of course, I knew my parents would be civil. But that was the only bright spot.
For once, my husband’s mother tried to be cordial. She certainly wasn’t thrilled to be there, but she held her tongue. Her husband, the step-dad, was not so polite. You can see it in the ceremony video. He wouldn’t even look at the stage! He looked to his right with his legs crossed the entire ceremony. At the reception, he wouldn’t speak to almost anyone. And he was rude to those he did speak to. My mom actually had people from my hometown complain about how rude he was to everyone. A few people mentioned it to my husband and I at the reception. My husband was embarrassed. He almost cried. He just couldn’t understand why they just couldn’t be happy for him. We talked about it during the drive to our cottage on our wedding night. My husband was so upset. I was not surprised at all. They had been like this for 3 years now. I didn’t expect that a piece of paper would stop them. I was right.
For once, my husband’s mother tried to be cordial. She certainly wasn’t thrilled to be there, but she held her tongue. Her husband, the step-dad, was not so polite. You can see it in the ceremony video. He wouldn’t even look at the stage! He looked to his right with his legs crossed the entire ceremony. At the reception, he wouldn’t speak to almost anyone. And he was rude to those he did speak to. My mom actually had people from my hometown complain about how rude he was to everyone. A few people mentioned it to my husband and I at the reception. My husband was embarrassed. He almost cried. He just couldn’t understand why they just couldn’t be happy for him. We talked about it during the drive to our cottage on our wedding night. My husband was so upset. I was not surprised at all. They had been like this for 3 years now. I didn’t expect that a piece of paper would stop them. I was right.
The engagement
My husband and I dated 2 years and 4 months total before we got engaged. The in-laws made it such a long 2 years. But my husband couldn’t see what they were doing. He really believed that they would pull out of it. He kept saying “After we get engaged, they’ll get better” and then “Well, once we’re married…”
Both of us were scared to tell them we were engaged. The night he called to tell them, we were so nervous we were almost sick. What hateful thing would they say? After he talked to her for awhile, she asked to talk to me. There was no “congratulations” or anything remotely close. It was just a question of how she would be involved in the wedding. Would we have a unity candle where she could light the side candle? Weren’t we going to involve the mothers in some way?
Thankfully, with the in-laws living 4 hours away, they didn’t have much of a say in the planning. We weren’t even sure that they would agree to come to the wedding. But my husband and I were both in agreement that we would not introduce our parents until we absolutely had to, which was the wedding. No regrets there, at all. After all of the things they have said and done to me, my parents don’t have a very high opinion of these people.
But throughout our engagement, every time my husband spoke to his mother, she always managed to get in her jab. “Well, you know you can always back out. People get cold feet all the time. It’s OK to just postpone it. Well maybe you need to make for sure this is what you want.” You name it, she said it. She tried everything she could to get him to break up with me. She always had before and she never stopped.
Both of us were scared to tell them we were engaged. The night he called to tell them, we were so nervous we were almost sick. What hateful thing would they say? After he talked to her for awhile, she asked to talk to me. There was no “congratulations” or anything remotely close. It was just a question of how she would be involved in the wedding. Would we have a unity candle where she could light the side candle? Weren’t we going to involve the mothers in some way?
Thankfully, with the in-laws living 4 hours away, they didn’t have much of a say in the planning. We weren’t even sure that they would agree to come to the wedding. But my husband and I were both in agreement that we would not introduce our parents until we absolutely had to, which was the wedding. No regrets there, at all. After all of the things they have said and done to me, my parents don’t have a very high opinion of these people.
But throughout our engagement, every time my husband spoke to his mother, she always managed to get in her jab. “Well, you know you can always back out. People get cold feet all the time. It’s OK to just postpone it. Well maybe you need to make for sure this is what you want.” You name it, she said it. She tried everything she could to get him to break up with me. She always had before and she never stopped.
The move and the "talk"
My husband and I dated for 13 months long distance. About 11 months into our relationship, he called one day and told me he had decided to move. I immediately thought of his parents and knew that they would blame this on me. How could they not? Of course, it was a shock to me because I knew he didn’t make decisions spontaneously, so I knew he had been thinking about it for awhile.
He made the choice not to tell his mom and step-dad until it got closer to his move date. He knew they would try to talk him out of it. He interviewed for jobs and looked for places to live on the weekends when he was here to visit. Finally, about 4 weeks before the big move, he told them. All hell broke loose. They threw every guilt trip imaginable at him. And still he persisted.
The day that he moved was one of the most miserable days of his life. His mom and step-dad originally said they would help him move. Then, they backed out by deciding to go to a NCAA basketball game. They did, however, stop by his apartment to tell him bye. I’m so glad I was not there. My husband heard things from his parent no child should have to endure from his/her parents. They pulled out all the stops. He was a terrible son. This was the ultimate betrayal. He was making the biggest mistake of his life. He just wanted to move closer to me so he could have sex with me (we weren’t even sleeping together). In his mother’s words, he was “following his dick.” I’m telling you, it was horrible. By the time he made it the 4 hours to his new home, he was in tears. They hurt him so bad that day. I do not believe he will ever recover from the things they said.
He moved on January 29, 2005. Less than 3 weeks later, February 19 at 5:30 am, he was in the emergency room with a kidney stone. He had surgery 2 days later to remove the stone. Were his mother and/or step-dad there? Of course not! They were too mad at him to come!
They did, however, decide to come and have a big talk with us a few weekends later. It was February 26, 2005. My husband really thought that if we all talked it out things would get better. I tried to tell him that emotions were high and that would make it worse, but he still believed in his parents and so I agreed to go along to get along. I tried to get them a hotel room, but his mother refused it saying the place I had chosen was “trashy.” They picked their own, told us where to meet them for dinner, and then went to my husband’s apartment for the talk.
I was scared of these people. After over a year of this, I knew what they were capable of. I knew how manipulative they were. I was not about to let them get the best of me. So I decided to tape our conversation. My roommate helped me pick out a digital recorder that came with a microphone. She helped tape the microphone to my body, we clipped the microphone onto my bra, and I placed the recorder on the inside of my jeans. I went to the bathroom before we started so I could turn the recorder on. And I’m so glad I did. It was one of the worst conversations of my life. 2 ½ hours of pure torture. And I have the whole thing on tape. His mother explained how she told one of his ex-girlfriends to “f@#k off” all while pointing her finger right at me. His step-dad told me I was a fundamentalist (whatever that is) and that was all he needed to know about me. He didn't care to get to know me at all because he didn't need to. They told me I was manipulative, controlling, and all kinds of other things. They really ripped into both of us. After 14 months of dating this man, I was officially the “devil daughter-in-law.”
He made the choice not to tell his mom and step-dad until it got closer to his move date. He knew they would try to talk him out of it. He interviewed for jobs and looked for places to live on the weekends when he was here to visit. Finally, about 4 weeks before the big move, he told them. All hell broke loose. They threw every guilt trip imaginable at him. And still he persisted.
The day that he moved was one of the most miserable days of his life. His mom and step-dad originally said they would help him move. Then, they backed out by deciding to go to a NCAA basketball game. They did, however, stop by his apartment to tell him bye. I’m so glad I was not there. My husband heard things from his parent no child should have to endure from his/her parents. They pulled out all the stops. He was a terrible son. This was the ultimate betrayal. He was making the biggest mistake of his life. He just wanted to move closer to me so he could have sex with me (we weren’t even sleeping together). In his mother’s words, he was “following his dick.” I’m telling you, it was horrible. By the time he made it the 4 hours to his new home, he was in tears. They hurt him so bad that day. I do not believe he will ever recover from the things they said.
He moved on January 29, 2005. Less than 3 weeks later, February 19 at 5:30 am, he was in the emergency room with a kidney stone. He had surgery 2 days later to remove the stone. Were his mother and/or step-dad there? Of course not! They were too mad at him to come!
They did, however, decide to come and have a big talk with us a few weekends later. It was February 26, 2005. My husband really thought that if we all talked it out things would get better. I tried to tell him that emotions were high and that would make it worse, but he still believed in his parents and so I agreed to go along to get along. I tried to get them a hotel room, but his mother refused it saying the place I had chosen was “trashy.” They picked their own, told us where to meet them for dinner, and then went to my husband’s apartment for the talk.
I was scared of these people. After over a year of this, I knew what they were capable of. I knew how manipulative they were. I was not about to let them get the best of me. So I decided to tape our conversation. My roommate helped me pick out a digital recorder that came with a microphone. She helped tape the microphone to my body, we clipped the microphone onto my bra, and I placed the recorder on the inside of my jeans. I went to the bathroom before we started so I could turn the recorder on. And I’m so glad I did. It was one of the worst conversations of my life. 2 ½ hours of pure torture. And I have the whole thing on tape. His mother explained how she told one of his ex-girlfriends to “f@#k off” all while pointing her finger right at me. His step-dad told me I was a fundamentalist (whatever that is) and that was all he needed to know about me. He didn't care to get to know me at all because he didn't need to. They told me I was manipulative, controlling, and all kinds of other things. They really ripped into both of us. After 14 months of dating this man, I was officially the “devil daughter-in-law.”
The first meeting...
I met my future in-laws after my husband and I had been dating about 6 months. It was May 2004. My husband didn’t tell me that they already disapproved of me. He was too embarrassed. He was sure that after they met me they would change their mind. He was wrong. All that did was make them hate me worse.
It wasn’t a long meeting, maybe 45 minutes. They asked a lot of questions like most people would. Where did you go to college? “I went to a private Baptist college in my home state.” They immediately thought I was a hypocrite. I knew that they were Methodist. My husband and I had many longs talks about religion when we first began dating. I had many friends who attended a Methodist church and I didn’t have a problem with it. His parents did. A BIG problem with it. His step-dad automatically wrote me off. I have never seen anything like it.
It was after that meeting that they began to let loose verbally to my husband about their extreme disapproval of me.
It wasn’t a long meeting, maybe 45 minutes. They asked a lot of questions like most people would. Where did you go to college? “I went to a private Baptist college in my home state.” They immediately thought I was a hypocrite. I knew that they were Methodist. My husband and I had many longs talks about religion when we first began dating. I had many friends who attended a Methodist church and I didn’t have a problem with it. His parents did. A BIG problem with it. His step-dad automatically wrote me off. I have never seen anything like it.
It was after that meeting that they began to let loose verbally to my husband about their extreme disapproval of me.
The Background
I met my husband in November of 2003. We met at a wedding of mutual friends. He seemed nice enough. Normal enough. We had our first “date” on New Year’s Eve 2003/2004 and began dating immediately. While I love my husband dearly, that was the start of my problems.
My husband’s parents divorced when he was young and both had remarried. He grew up with his mom and step-dad. He told me that both of them were counselors, his step-dad a marriage/family therapist and his mother a school counselor with her own private practice on the side. That seemed normal enough. And to him, it was.
But there is much more to the story. His parents divorced after his father had an affair. While that seems to put the blame all on the man, I later learned his mother was so controlling, even using sex as a way to get what she wanted, that she basically drove her husband to another woman. She eventually left and took the kids with her. She used the kids as a pawn against their dad. She manipulated situations so that the father could not see the children and then told the children that daddy didn’t show up because he didn’t love them. Horrible, horrible things. She had such bitterness in her heart that she made the children pay for it. She was a single mother for a few years after the divorce.
She eventually re-married another man. He had been married twice previously and had 2 estranged daughters. He had been a minister in several churches for many years until he left the ministry for who knows what reason. That is when he began he career as a marriage/family therapist. This man has a terrible temper and bitterness oozes out of his eyes. He even hit the children occasionally, but my husband’s mother never said a word. She just let it happen. She chose to put her happiness in front of the happiness and safety of her two children.
This woman, I believe, has a deep fear of abandonment and a lot of anger and bitterness. She was the oldest of 2 children and always felt like the came second to her younger brother. For some reason, she seems to hate her mother and has nothing but negative things to say about both her mother and her brother’s wife. Because of all of her bitterness and with the help of her detailed training as a counselor, she taught her children to believe just as she wanted them to. Brainwashed is what I call it. She told the kids that no one would ever love them like their family. That no one would ever be there for them except their little family. That she and her husband were the most knowledgeable of life and of all situations because of all their education and credentials as counselors. My husband grew up believing that they could do no wrong. He never questioned them. Never voiced his opinion. Never really was allowed to have his own opinion. He was sucked in.
Enmeshment is the clinical term for it. It means you are so engrossed in your own “family bubble” that you cannot see anything else. This was my husband. He had known nothing different. His biological father, as far as he knew, was an evil man and his mother had saved him. He was taught not to question anything his mom or step-dad said or did. He believed that every child spent as much time with their family as possible and that there was nothing outside of this family bubble. To believe anything else or look anywhere else for any happiness was, as his mom put it, betrayal. And her owed her. She changed his diapers, she fed him, she raised him. He owed his life to her and to not give her what she wanted was betrayal.
My husband’s parents divorced when he was young and both had remarried. He grew up with his mom and step-dad. He told me that both of them were counselors, his step-dad a marriage/family therapist and his mother a school counselor with her own private practice on the side. That seemed normal enough. And to him, it was.
But there is much more to the story. His parents divorced after his father had an affair. While that seems to put the blame all on the man, I later learned his mother was so controlling, even using sex as a way to get what she wanted, that she basically drove her husband to another woman. She eventually left and took the kids with her. She used the kids as a pawn against their dad. She manipulated situations so that the father could not see the children and then told the children that daddy didn’t show up because he didn’t love them. Horrible, horrible things. She had such bitterness in her heart that she made the children pay for it. She was a single mother for a few years after the divorce.
She eventually re-married another man. He had been married twice previously and had 2 estranged daughters. He had been a minister in several churches for many years until he left the ministry for who knows what reason. That is when he began he career as a marriage/family therapist. This man has a terrible temper and bitterness oozes out of his eyes. He even hit the children occasionally, but my husband’s mother never said a word. She just let it happen. She chose to put her happiness in front of the happiness and safety of her two children.
This woman, I believe, has a deep fear of abandonment and a lot of anger and bitterness. She was the oldest of 2 children and always felt like the came second to her younger brother. For some reason, she seems to hate her mother and has nothing but negative things to say about both her mother and her brother’s wife. Because of all of her bitterness and with the help of her detailed training as a counselor, she taught her children to believe just as she wanted them to. Brainwashed is what I call it. She told the kids that no one would ever love them like their family. That no one would ever be there for them except their little family. That she and her husband were the most knowledgeable of life and of all situations because of all their education and credentials as counselors. My husband grew up believing that they could do no wrong. He never questioned them. Never voiced his opinion. Never really was allowed to have his own opinion. He was sucked in.
Enmeshment is the clinical term for it. It means you are so engrossed in your own “family bubble” that you cannot see anything else. This was my husband. He had known nothing different. His biological father, as far as he knew, was an evil man and his mother had saved him. He was taught not to question anything his mom or step-dad said or did. He believed that every child spent as much time with their family as possible and that there was nothing outside of this family bubble. To believe anything else or look anywhere else for any happiness was, as his mom put it, betrayal. And her owed her. She changed his diapers, she fed him, she raised him. He owed his life to her and to not give her what she wanted was betrayal.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)