So after the whole "you should divorce your wife" fiasco of a few months ago, I told my husband that I didn't want to go visit his parents for awhile. I explained that I just wasn't comfortable and that I didn't think I should have to subject myself to that kind of treatment. Since he won't tell them not to say those things, I have to place the boundaries myself.
He absolutely blew up and threw a fit. He just thought that was awful that I would even consider him going by himself and me not going along. He doesn't think it makes any difference what they say to me and I should just suck it up and get along.
So now, the tables have turned. I am going to visit my parents this weekend. My grandparents are coming down and they are not in the best of health, so I made the decision to go down to my parents to spend some time with them. Yes, it happens to be Mother's Day. But it didn't matter to me whether it was a holiday or not, I just wanted to see my grandparents.
My husband does not want to go with me. He's decided to stay here and work and have a guys night. And I told him that was fine. No big deal. He eventually came out and said he didn't want to go because he didn't want to go to church. So I told him no big deal, just don't go to church. I would go because that's important to my mom and it IS Mother's Day, so that hour in church is nothing if that makes her happy. He didn't want to do that. That was not good enough. He just didn't want to go period. Fine. It's still no big deal. Although I would like for him to go, I'm not going to fight him over it. It's just for one night. No harm, no foul.
However, the more I thought about it, the more incensed I got. Why is it OK for him to say he doesn't want to go to my parents and for him to just think that's OK and expect me to be OK with it, but if I tell him I don't want to go see his parents for a MUCH bigger reason, he throws a fit. He is angered to no end. The double standard here is killing me!
Friday, May 9, 2008
Monday, May 5, 2008
Having a Husband Problem...
As the anonymous commenter pointed out, I definitely have a husband problem. This has never really been a question or not. Yes, I admit it, my husband does a pathetically horrible job at standing up for me. He's terrible at standing up for himself, too. He's been so emotionally abused his whole life, he has no idea how to stand up for himself except for with me.
We talked about this recently. He admitted that the reason he can be honest with me and stand up for himself with me is because he knows that I will love him unconditionally. He has never had that with his mom or stepdad. They taught him that he had to do and say exactly what they wanted or they wouldn't love him. He grew up searching for the one thing that would make that unconditional love stick and he never found it.
I am torn in this respect. I know that he needs to stand up for me. I know that he needs to say "Mom, you will treat my wife with respect or we will not be speaking to you any more." He needs to be willing to cut them out of his life if they refuse. And I would love nothing more than for him to do just that. But, the reality of the situation is that I know he won't. He can't. The abuse is so engrained in him, he just cannot physically or mentally find the strength to do that. Part of me feels so sorry for him, for the things he's endured. After seeing the things they've said and done to him already, I absolutely cannot fathom what they would do if he said "See ya."
The more we fight about it, the worse it gets. The best thing to do, I have learned, is just to ignore it. Just to fight the battles as they come, but leave it alone. My counselor calls it "simmering." It just sits there and simmers until it boils over, which it does frequently.
So, yes, my husband is ruining my marriage to an extent. The sad thing is, my mother-in-law ruined it before I was ever in the picture. And I can't fix it.
We talked about this recently. He admitted that the reason he can be honest with me and stand up for himself with me is because he knows that I will love him unconditionally. He has never had that with his mom or stepdad. They taught him that he had to do and say exactly what they wanted or they wouldn't love him. He grew up searching for the one thing that would make that unconditional love stick and he never found it.
I am torn in this respect. I know that he needs to stand up for me. I know that he needs to say "Mom, you will treat my wife with respect or we will not be speaking to you any more." He needs to be willing to cut them out of his life if they refuse. And I would love nothing more than for him to do just that. But, the reality of the situation is that I know he won't. He can't. The abuse is so engrained in him, he just cannot physically or mentally find the strength to do that. Part of me feels so sorry for him, for the things he's endured. After seeing the things they've said and done to him already, I absolutely cannot fathom what they would do if he said "See ya."
The more we fight about it, the worse it gets. The best thing to do, I have learned, is just to ignore it. Just to fight the battles as they come, but leave it alone. My counselor calls it "simmering." It just sits there and simmers until it boils over, which it does frequently.
So, yes, my husband is ruining my marriage to an extent. The sad thing is, my mother-in-law ruined it before I was ever in the picture. And I can't fix it.
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