Long Time, No Blog

Someone mentioned to me that it's been awhile since I've posted anything new and now that I've looked it at...WOW! It HAS been a long time. And yet so much has happened, I don't even know where to begin!

So, step-FIL had a mini-stroke in January. Nothing too serious and he is fine now. MIL almost refused to let him see a doctor for treatment because she said that they had the "machines" that could heal him. They brought 5-6 people into the hospital with all of their "machines" to work on him. Needless to say, that didn't work too well. But, again, he is just fine now.

However, the doctor said it was probably stress related, so the ILs made the decision for him to stop working. Remember he's a marriage counselor. So they began to transfer most of his clients to MIL (who is also a counselor, but a child counselor). MIL is already retired from the school system where she was a teacher before going back to school to get her counseling degree. She was basically working part-time seeing clients and then working on her healing business and her children's books.

So now they're both basically unemployed. Step-FIL is doing absolutely nothing because he might get stressed out if he even breaths wrong. MIL is just as stressed out as she can be. Busy, busy, busy. She's working on her healing business, going to more seminars and the like. She's decided to start her 2nd business, (remember, the first one was the website and selling her books) which deals with healing. As I mentioned in my previous post, she's getting away from the "machines" for the most part and going straight to the hand healing. So she's been busy setting up PO boxes (why?), getting new checks (why?), and working with attorneys to get everything set up. This makes no sense to me, but whatever.

So, the bottom line is, they're supposedly out of money. They are getting ready to file for bankruptcy. They let their mortgage go into default because they were so busy buying $25k machines and going to all of these healing seminars that they didn't have the money to pay for other things, like, say, um, their house payment. So now they are going to lose the home that their son (my husband) designed for them and move into an apartment. MIL says her attorney told her that bankruptcy was OK and that after 1 year of renting, they could look into buying a house again as a first time homebuyer. I'm not sure that's the case. Step-FIL says that bankruptcy is the best way to show people that no one owns them and that no one can make them pay for anything they don't want to.

My husband and I got into a fight about this last night because I, with my business background, don't believe that bankruptcy is the best option for them. I think that should be a last resort, as I realize that it will totally ruin their credit. But, I also do not feel sorry for them because they have made choices that have put them in this position. I know that many people lose their homes through things that couldn't help, but I do not feel like this is the case with my ILs. I feel like they have their head in the clouds and were very unrealistic in their choices of how they spent their money and the return they would get. They knew that step-FIL was getting older and about to retire, but they still chose to build a 3,000+ sq.ft. house with a pool & hot tub. They chose for MIL for quit her job at the school so she could focus on her website. They've chosen a lot of things that weren't really all that smart. So I just feel like they are seeing the consequences of their choices. But, naturally, my husband feels sorry for them and he is mad at me that I don't have any "compassion" for them. He says it's not their fault and I should feel bad for them.

So, I guess that's not all of the drama, but surely that's enough to keep everyone entertained for now. Sorry for taking so long to post more updates to my IL saga. It is definitely never-ending, but because of that, I don't have the time to just repeatedly post updates every day. I would never get anything done at work or at home!

What do you think? Is bankruptcy the best choice? Should I have more compassion for my ILs financial situation?

MIL now thinks she's God...

Things just get more and more interesting. Here's the newest info:

MIL has taken a psychic class. So now, not only can she heal people with a "machine", she can also read people.

And, as if the healing with a "machine" (re: the laptop) wasn't enough, she's now taking classes to heal with her hands. That's right, she's now able to heal with her hands. My MIL now thinks she's just as good as God. AND, her instructor said she was "gifted." :-) This is how she describes it: You lay your hands on people and the power of the universe goes into them and their bodies heal themselves. So really, I guess she's not the healer, but the power of the universe goes through her hands. Just puts a smile on your face, doesn't it?? :-)

To make matters worse, she's now holding "healing parties" at her house so she can bring in big groups to lay her hands on them to heal them. Sounds just like a Tupperware or Pampered Chef party, doesn't it? I'm certain I could get anyone invitations to the party if you're interested. Anyone???

More Drama....

Well, she's done it again. More drama from the MIL. And also from the husband. It goes like this:

I just got a new facebook. Never been a big social networker, but I heard lots of my college friends were on there, so I thought, why not? Then I learned that SIL also has a facebook, so we added each other as friends.

In the meantime, the husband and I make our holiday plans. After having drama after drama over this since we've been married we decided to just take turns every holiday. My parents want to take all of my family to Disneyworld for Christmas, so husband agreed that we would spend Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with mine and then next year we'll switch. He's discussed this with MIL and everything was fine.

Back to facebook...I left my SIL a message about how they should come down to our new city (we just moved in August). Knowing we already had plans, I added "How about for Thanksgiving :-) "Well, apparently MIL has a facebook, too. She saw my comment and was, in her words, pissed. She immediately called SIL and began yelling at her for conversing with me about the holidays without her input/approval, for me trying to plan something and leave her & step-father-in-law out, for me trying to break up their family and ensure that my husband didn't get to see them for the holidays. SERIOUSLY?!?!? This woman thinks I am out to get her. She's so paranoid!

Then, husband and I get in a fight about it last night. He hasn't talked to his mom since this happened. We're not sure he will say anything to her. I personally would love to call her and say "If you have something to say to me, you need to call me and say it yourself." My husband actually thought this would be a good idea. I haven't done it, yet, but am strongly considering it. I told him I'd like him to stand up for me, that I needed his support, and that I didn't like her talking about me behind my back. All he could say was, "Well you do it, too." I couldn't believe it. Obviously we do talk about her, but I never mention her or talk about her behind her back unless she say something like this first. And at that point it's just venting. And honestly, at this point, there is nothing that I would say to my husband that I wouldn't say to her directly. After almost 5 years of this, my niceness is wearing off.

Another day, another talk, no results...

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. Things have been quite busy lately.

My husband and I had to have another talk this week regarding the MIL. After she said everything about him divorcing me in March, I told him that I did not want to see the in-laws for awhile. I just felt like she had WAY overstepped a boundary and I just needed time to calm down. DH has never understood that. Last month, he ended up going to visit his parents for mother’s day. His mom absolutely comes unglued if he doesn’t go visit for both mother’s and father’s day. She thinks he’s obligated to do so. I had the wedding of a family friend to attend, so I did not go with him for his visit. This worked out really well because I had a good, valid excuse for not going and it kept from having to stir things up.

So this month, we have a wedding of DH’s friends to attend. His parents town is sort of “on the way” to the wedding. DH asked if we could stop and have lunch with them on our way back. I told him I would have to think about it and, again, that was a big deal. He, of course, asked me why I said that and I, of course, had to explain everything to him again and, of course, he argued with me. He just doesn’t get it. But not only does he not get it, he is still trying to convince me to see it his way!

This is one of the most frustrating things for me. He pushes and pushes to convince me that I should just go along and deal with them. He pushes me to go see them anyway. How am I ever going to convince him to TRY to see it my way, to TRY to understand how I’ve been treated and to TRY to put himself in my shoes? How do I do that?!?

Double Standards...

So after the whole "you should divorce your wife" fiasco of a few months ago, I told my husband that I didn't want to go visit his parents for awhile. I explained that I just wasn't comfortable and that I didn't think I should have to subject myself to that kind of treatment. Since he won't tell them not to say those things, I have to place the boundaries myself.

He absolutely blew up and threw a fit. He just thought that was awful that I would even consider him going by himself and me not going along. He doesn't think it makes any difference what they say to me and I should just suck it up and get along.

So now, the tables have turned. I am going to visit my parents this weekend. My grandparents are coming down and they are not in the best of health, so I made the decision to go down to my parents to spend some time with them. Yes, it happens to be Mother's Day. But it didn't matter to me whether it was a holiday or not, I just wanted to see my grandparents.

My husband does not want to go with me. He's decided to stay here and work and have a guys night. And I told him that was fine. No big deal. He eventually came out and said he didn't want to go because he didn't want to go to church. So I told him no big deal, just don't go to church. I would go because that's important to my mom and it IS Mother's Day, so that hour in church is nothing if that makes her happy. He didn't want to do that. That was not good enough. He just didn't want to go period. Fine. It's still no big deal. Although I would like for him to go, I'm not going to fight him over it. It's just for one night. No harm, no foul.

However, the more I thought about it, the more incensed I got. Why is it OK for him to say he doesn't want to go to my parents and for him to just think that's OK and expect me to be OK with it, but if I tell him I don't want to go see his parents for a MUCH bigger reason, he throws a fit. He is angered to no end. The double standard here is killing me!

Having a Husband Problem...

As the anonymous commenter pointed out, I definitely have a husband problem. This has never really been a question or not. Yes, I admit it, my husband does a pathetically horrible job at standing up for me. He's terrible at standing up for himself, too. He's been so emotionally abused his whole life, he has no idea how to stand up for himself except for with me.

We talked about this recently. He admitted that the reason he can be honest with me and stand up for himself with me is because he knows that I will love him unconditionally. He has never had that with his mom or stepdad. They taught him that he had to do and say exactly what they wanted or they wouldn't love him. He grew up searching for the one thing that would make that unconditional love stick and he never found it.

I am torn in this respect. I know that he needs to stand up for me. I know that he needs to say "Mom, you will treat my wife with respect or we will not be speaking to you any more." He needs to be willing to cut them out of his life if they refuse. And I would love nothing more than for him to do just that. But, the reality of the situation is that I know he won't. He can't. The abuse is so engrained in him, he just cannot physically or mentally find the strength to do that. Part of me feels so sorry for him, for the things he's endured. After seeing the things they've said and done to him already, I absolutely cannot fathom what they would do if he said "See ya."

The more we fight about it, the worse it gets. The best thing to do, I have learned, is just to ignore it. Just to fight the battles as they come, but leave it alone. My counselor calls it "simmering." It just sits there and simmers until it boils over, which it does frequently.

So, yes, my husband is ruining my marriage to an extent. The sad thing is, my mother-in-law ruined it before I was ever in the picture. And I can't fix it.

MIL Say Divorce...

After years of trying to get my husband to break up with me, MIL finally laid off a bit. She still got her jabs in, yes, but for her, she laid off. Until last month.


See, my husband is an architect. He is studying to get his license. This isn’t just a one-time studying deal. No, not even close. This is a 9 test saga. The average person takes 24 months to pass them all. And if you fail one, you must wait 6 months until you are eligible to take it again. My husband has been studying over a year for this. His studying means very little free time for him and for us. He comes home from work about 6:00 or 6:15, we do whatever we need to do, have dinner, and then he starts studying around 8:00. I obviously go to bed way before him. So, needless to say, he’s very burnt out. To make matters worse, his work situation has deteriorated rapidly. He is completely miserable. And he knows he cannot move up or go anywhere without his license, so he is just kind of stuck right now. Between his long days being unhappy at his job to the long nights studying and with little free time, my husband is having a rough time. Sure, it will pass, but it’s still rough right now. He struggles to keep a good attitude.


He had told me a few months ago that he felt like his life was on hold. And I understood that. I feel like that, too. His struggles are my struggles. However, when he told this to his mother, he got a totally different reaction.


First, she said she understood. She tried to explain that when she went back for her masters degree, she felt that way. She seemed genuine and understanding and even somewhat supportive, which is very unlike her. But it was all a facade. She called back later and left him a message. I listened to it. It went something like this: “Son, I thought about what you said and I know I agreed with you at the time, but I really don’t agree with you. I wasn’t miserable while I was in school. I lived my life and I was happy with my life. I hope you can get to the point where you can enjoy your life and be happy.” Total 180. My husband knew she had talked to her husband, they dissected the conversation in their oh-so-high-and-mighty counselor brains, and his step-dad told her she said the wrong thing, so she called to correct herself. To make matters worse, she called back the next day just to make sure her son got her message. This is where it got ugly.


She proceeded to tell him that he needed to divorce me. She could tell that he was unhappy and I was the cause. She had known it all along and had been telling him that for years. She told him that she made a mistake (with her first marriage) and his sister made a mistake (her first marriage ended in divorce, too) and so it was OK if he made a mistake. He could just correct it by getting a divorce and moving on with his life.


He was shocked. He really had himself convinced himself that they were over everything and had moved on from hating me. He was wrong. The only thing he could say to her was “Mom, my wife is the best thing in my life right now.” What do you say to your parent when they tell you to divorce your spouse for no reason? Who on earth would do that? Everyone knows that divorce is hard. Yes, sometimes it is the best for the individuals involved, but even if it is mutual it is still hard. And divorces can get ugly, too. My mother-in-law knows this. Hers was ugly. So why in the world would a parent who has been through that heart ache tell their child to go through the same things? Don’t parents want better for their children? Don’t parents want to protect their children from hurt? I absolutely cannot fathom why a mother would wish such pain on her child, especially when the child is happy. It is beyond my comprehension.