Having a Husband Problem...

As the anonymous commenter pointed out, I definitely have a husband problem. This has never really been a question or not. Yes, I admit it, my husband does a pathetically horrible job at standing up for me. He's terrible at standing up for himself, too. He's been so emotionally abused his whole life, he has no idea how to stand up for himself except for with me.

We talked about this recently. He admitted that the reason he can be honest with me and stand up for himself with me is because he knows that I will love him unconditionally. He has never had that with his mom or stepdad. They taught him that he had to do and say exactly what they wanted or they wouldn't love him. He grew up searching for the one thing that would make that unconditional love stick and he never found it.

I am torn in this respect. I know that he needs to stand up for me. I know that he needs to say "Mom, you will treat my wife with respect or we will not be speaking to you any more." He needs to be willing to cut them out of his life if they refuse. And I would love nothing more than for him to do just that. But, the reality of the situation is that I know he won't. He can't. The abuse is so engrained in him, he just cannot physically or mentally find the strength to do that. Part of me feels so sorry for him, for the things he's endured. After seeing the things they've said and done to him already, I absolutely cannot fathom what they would do if he said "See ya."

The more we fight about it, the worse it gets. The best thing to do, I have learned, is just to ignore it. Just to fight the battles as they come, but leave it alone. My counselor calls it "simmering." It just sits there and simmers until it boils over, which it does frequently.

So, yes, my husband is ruining my marriage to an extent. The sad thing is, my mother-in-law ruined it before I was ever in the picture. And I can't fix it.